What if I when was raised, God was a woman?

What if I was raised with men washing my clothes, cooking my meals, dusting my home?

What if the boys were asked to set the table, while I played outside?

What if I was raised to think about myself first, then those around me.

What if I was insulted, or groped, or pressured to have sex, and I pushed back,

I demanded my rights, I pushed you away and shoved you

And people actually cared

they were shocked at how someone treated me

What if I was able to hear my inner voice?

            Shhh, quiet, what am I saying? I’m trying to listen

I can demand what I want .  (what do I want?)

I can tell you how to please me, and correct you when it’s not right.  (can you do that? No, you have to do that, down there. now)

I can go where I want to go,  (where do I want to go? not you, me)

I don’t approach men and consider if they want me  (do they want me, do you, do I?)

I don’t look to them for approval. (I don’t ache for it. I wasn’t raised that way)

I don’t want to please people, — I want to know who I am for myself

I don’t need the world’s approval— I want my own approval!

I don’t need you to like me, —  I need to like me!

I don’t need to be told I am a good girl

I don’t need to be told I am anything, I am.

 

I can say no

I can say no because I know what I want

because I know what I don’t want

because I mean it and I can say it

I am disobedient

I am angry

I am alone and happy

I am horny

I am smart

I am busy

I am finding myself

Exploring myself

Exploring the world

And I have the right

I have the right to decide, my body my clothes, my shoes, my colors, my food, my home, my dreams, my hair, my lover, my being, my life

My self

Souls wander, expand, grow and stretch

They shrink, go inward and hide in fear

Mind, soul, heart? This self reflection, self obsessions cannot be good for oneself in the end. Too much attention on how I feel, boredom, restlessness, internally focused instead of just doing the work I have set out to do.

So much lies waiting for me, as I sit and think. So much to say and do, yet I process, doze and avoid.

Being alone can be so good, if we just avoid ourselves a bit.

Sunrises through frosted glass

softening the sun’s glare,

glancing directly upon

love

without burning eyes or hearts.

my lovers-

hair tussled, smiling back-

their open nakedness shared,

skin pressing, fingertips brushing.

She held me by firelight,

softly stroking my hair,

he poured words out,

the world tucked away till tomorrow.

and sunrises through frosted glass

allowing glimpses of love and possibilities.

there you are

as I have seen you so many times

scruffy, tender, thoughtful, focused,

glancing in my direction when I catch your eye

it still thrills me,

to see your face respond

when our eyes meet

I love being in love.

I love being in love with you

and you with me.

 

Why do we long for one single other in our lives. What occurs when we give to just one, all that we are? Do our lives become more real? Why do I feel more alive? Why is life and the choices I make, the moments I experience, become more alive once shared, organized, reflected on, with another?

This sharing, my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes and losses, my day, my failures, my desire, my mornings, my nights, my body, my moments, my plans, my curiosity, my explorations, my passions, my everyday, I offer. 

 But I want it all in return. I want the same from you. You have moments without me, as I do you, but to share each with the other is all I ask. That is what I long for in life.  Where are you?

Of course this teenage like pining makes more sense, or perhaps confusion when one considers the non-monogamous life I have found myself living.  Perhaps its an issue of “life is always greener” or perhaps I am just tired and lonely lately.

I glanced her between the pines this morning, parting the down of her cloudy pillows, her head lifting above the stuff, tempting me to climb. 

Or is she a he? I take the French approach, “all things horrible and bad are feminine”. But today, you are glorious, powerful, magnificent, protecting the city below. That just goes to show you, even mountains can be trans I suppose.